Holding Me

Have you ever been in that place where life is good? You feel God's presence so close everywhere you go, you have such an intimate connection with the Lord and you're extremely excited and looking forward to that next season in your life. Then BOOM! Out of nowhere, you hit a wall. Not a wall of sin but a situation in your life that you have no control over that has rocked your world to its very core and challenged all of your beliefs.

Not only do you hit this wall but you hit with such force that the wall crumbles in on top of you, and you're covered in so much rubble that you can’t see any light. Every ounce of your energy is consumed trying to dig and claw at anything to find your way out. Your surroundings are dark and lonely, the air is so heavy that it feels almost like you’re breathing in motor oil. Your mind is full of voices you know are not yours but nothing makes sense so you listen to everything wanting something to make sense. One thing after another is coming at you and all your strength is gone so it is hard just to keep your head above water let alone swim. You’re tired of praying, you’re tired of reading His word, you’re tired of sermons, you’re tired of worship, you’re just tired of everything.

This is how you can describe my life over the past 7 months.

In September of 2022, I was on such an amazing high with the Lord. I felt the presence of God everywhere I went. I was just starting to dig into a new online bible series with Dr. Micheal Heiser. I was eating healthy, and exercising daily. My job was great and everything I touched seemed to have God’s hand all over it.

Then on October 4th of 2022, at 1:08 am we rushed my wife to the local Emergency Room. She was extremely dizzy, shaking uncontrollably, and incoherent, we could not keep food or water in her body as it was coming out of her like a river. We sat in the ER and they ran test after test. After 8 hours in the ER, they gave us some pills and sent us on our way. They did not really diagnose her just said she had a bug and sent her home.

A few days later we were back at the same ER with the same symptoms only this time they were worse. She had not slept in over a week, she could barely walk all her strength was gone. Again they ran more tests and again the Doctors said she had a bug gave her another type of pill and sent her home.

The next day we went to her regular Physician and He ran more tests and looked things over. He told her that the pills we were given at the ER were the wrong pills and to stop taking them immediately. He gave her another set of pills, and He sent us home. We still had no diagnosis except for saying that she had some sort of bug.

She took the pills for a few days but she was not getting better. Day after day her condition continued to worsen. Months later and we had gone to the ER 8 times, she was admitted to the Hospital three times, we had seen three separate Doctors and two different Specialists. Their diagnosis was all over the place from a viral infection, to stroke, to heart failure, to a neurological disorder. The bottom line, nothing they tried worked.

Day after day I could see the life leaving my wife. I was seriously thinking and started contemplating that I was going to lose my wife. It was so bad that I started to prepare myself for life without her. My son and I even discussed how we would handle it. It was such a low place in my life.

When this all started I was praying, talking with the Lord, I quoted all the healing scriptures that I could find, and I was doing all that I knew to do. We had people from Maine to Florida fasting and praying for her. But nothing changed.

After about 4 months of this, I came to my breaking point one night. We had rushed my wife to the ER yet again. After they got her settled in her room I could not take being yet again in a cold drafty ER any longer so I went outside to get some air. I walked for about a ½ mile, when pick my head up and looked around I was in a big field behind the hospital. I just stopped and began to weep and cry uncontrollably. I started yelling at the sky. I said “God I am done! I am done with all of it. I am done praying. I do not know why I need to continue to beg for you to heal my wife and I am done asking you to do it. Either you are going to heal her or you’re not, but I am done asking. Either your promises are true or they are not. I am done asking. I am done with Church, because where are they when we are fighting alone they are nowhere to be found” This was not idle chatter I was done! I stopped it all. I stopped the prayer, reading His word, and times of worship. I felt abandoned. I was angry, frustrated, and completely drained mentally, spiritually, and physically.

Amanda came home a few nights later and we struggled along for another few months. One night she woke me up and she was shaking so badly that it was hard for me to hold her. She was freezing cold Her eyes were dilated and her blood pressure dropped and she passed out. I was freaking out. I honestly thought to myself this is it, I am going to lose her tonight. Blake and I got her in the car and rushed her again to the ER. Once they got her settled it felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. My nerves were shot. So I went outside and walked again to try and calm myself down. I walked to that same field behind the hospital.

On this night I was even more vulnerable with God. He and I had a long honest conversation. From my side, I was angry and frustrated and I let Him know I felt that way. People walking by must have thought I was crazy I was yelling at the sky, waving my arms all over the place, and stomping around that field like I was marching in a parade.

Once I calmed down a bit I really needed some support so I called my dad and told Him basically the same thing I told God. I was done with the church because the people are fake. I was done with prayer because it does not work. I was done with reading his word because it was full of lies. I was done with God because He was not there like He said He would be. I was just done. My dad sat there and just listened to me and let me vent. Finally, after 15 or 20 minutes he interrupted me and said “Andrew, I get that you’re upset. I get that you’re mad and feel alone. You feel let down by those in your church who are supposed to be there for you and were not. You’re completely exhausted, You feel God has left you and not answered your prayers. But I want to ask you a simple question. What else is there?”

You know when someone is talking but your not really listening because your mind is consumed with a thousand other thoughts and then at the very end of the conversation they say something that jerks you back into the focus of the conversation. When Dad said, “What else is there?” That literally jerked all my thoughts back into focus on what my Dad was saying.

I said to Him angrily, snapping at Him, “What did you just say!”

He repeated himself “Andrew, What else is there?”

“So you say you’re done with God but what's your alternative?”

Then He just sat there and said nothing. I sat on the other end of the phone and said nothing. I was thinking about what He just said. My thoughts raced around that statement, If not God what else is there? Who else could I turn to?

After several minutes of silence, I mumbled the thought of my conclusion to His question “There’s nothing else.”

Dad said “What?” I said it louder “THERE IS NOTHING ELSE!”

During that moment of silence there on the phone, my life rolled past me like the waves of the ocean. The moments of hell that I had gone through over my 50 years of life were being replayed in my mind during that moment of silence. I realized that through all those other times in my life when I felt exactly like I was feeling at that very moment God was the only constant. Looking at the history of my life I realize I am still here today only because of Him.

God had never left and was right where He said He would be. He was Holding Me. As the memories continued to roll past me God brought to my mind a memory of the times when my son Blake was a baby and had colic. He would not stop crying. I would hold Him and pace the floor for hours, talking and singing to Him but His crying did not stop. I was there holding him but Blake could not focus on Me or my voice because of the pain He was in. In this moment of my life the pain, hurt, and frustration were so great that I did not even realize that God was holding me in His arms talking and singing over me.

Once I realized this my entire complexion changed. Dad and I spoke for a few more minutes and ended the call. When the call ended I dropped my phone and just melted onto the ground and sobbed. In that field behind that cold and drafty hospital, I finally allowed myself to feel God's warm arms surrounding me holding me in that moment. I heard His voice of love speaking over me. He spoke His very Word into my spirit. Scripture after scripture of love, peace, and belonging flooded my mind. I had such a peace come over me. I didn’t say anything I just laid there and just listened to His love flood over me. So many times when circumstances hit me that are beyond my control I dictate to God and make so much noise crying and crying to Him. Instead, it is in these times I need to stop my crying rest in his arms and just listen to His voice as he holds me.

When I finally got up off the ground the circumstances had not changed, my wife was still laying sick in a hospital. However, for the first time in months, I could hear Jesus' voice comforting me.

I may be overwhelmed by the circumstances and my cries may be so loud that I can not hear Him but yet there He is holding me speaking life and purpose over me. He brings me back to His promises that He will never leave me or forsake me. There is a peace that comes when I am reminded, I am in God's hands. He is wise and He is loving and He is perfectly on time. He is not indifferent to the anxieties and frustrations I carry. He's right there in the middle of everything with His fingerprints all over my life. How do I know this? Because He has a beautiful faithful history with me as He has held me close so many times before.

God does not comfort me from afar but from constant nearness. When God is not telling me what I want to hear when I want to hear it I tend to stop listening, but He does not put me down and push me away. Instead, He is a patient Father and holds me even closer to His heart, and never stops singing songs of love and destiny over me. When I finally come to the end of my rope and think of the alternative of doing life without Him I quickly realize just how absolutely ignorant I am. Because there is no one else that will ever love me like He does and the completeness of His love consumes me.

Prophecies are wonderful. Words from my pastor are great. The love of family is uplifting. But the words of others do not build that solid foundation of history with God. During this time I recevied so many prophecies from so many wonderful people but they were not hearing from God in this situation. Which only increased my frustration. Because building a history with God requires that I get real and vulnerable with Him one on one. Not by proxy. When I'm always seeking a word from someone else, what's the need for God? Because in times like this God is wanting me to hear only His voice through the noise. How can I trust Him if I don’t know His voice?

Fast forward to May 2023 and my wife and I are still dealing with the challenges of her ongoing health issues. We still don’t have a diagnosis but even though the circumstances have not changed I choose to rest in Him and allow His promises to surround me like a blanket.

What a gift these moments are, I am so thankful to God for them! It’s in these dark valley moments where I build History with Him. From that History, trust is built. Trust establishes faith that what He says is true. When I look back over the History we have built together I realize that there is no other alternative. He longs to love me, instruct me, guide me, and grow me!

I bless the Lord when things are going well, but more than that, my heart longs to know God in a deeper, more intimate way. However, my intimacy with Him grows when my faith is tested in ways that I may not want or by circumstances that I would not choose. Even after building 50 years of history with God, I am still learning it's in these times of my life that allow me to see the character of God in ways that I can never experience when everything is going fine. My fight for faith is the fight to remember He was there in my past, to trust He will be there in my future, and to be confident in the truth that in all God is, and in all God does, he is good and works ALL things for my good. Even if I need to reach the end of my story before I see how.

Below are the scriptures he gave me while I was laying in the field behind the hospital. When those feelings of abandonment and frustration creep back in. I read them over and over and over. Psalm 27:10 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.

Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:13 For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Psalm 63:8 My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

Isaiah 46:4 I will be your God throughout your lifetime – until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.

Isaiah 49:16 Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.

Psalm 139:10 Even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.

Psalm 73:23 Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.